Sox Yanks: The Rivalry

As a baseball fan, I thought I had a good understanding of the rivalry between the Yankees and the Red Sox. I consider myself knowledgeable when it comes to baseball history. I watched the Sox get the monkey off their back in 2004 by coming back from 3-games-to-none to eliminate the Yankees and bring the rivalry to a whole new level.


And I knew when I moved here, that the energy surrounding every Sox-Yanks series would be 20-fold. This week is no exception, as the Red Sox make their final trip to the Bronx before the close of Yankee Stadium.


I knew the energy would be good, so since I couldn't get a ticket to one of the games due to exorbiant StubHub prices, I figured I'd keep a running diary of one of the games. Without further ado:


7:00: We are LIVE from the Watts Palace in Manhattan! I'm joined by Cooper our cocker spaniel, 4 bottles of Labatt Blue Light and a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos (health? bah!). Also, we're joined on the YES Network (yes, the Yankees have their own network) by Michael Kay, Al Leiter and John Flaherty....Jesus...Al Leiter and John Flaherty?? Is it "disappointing MLB career week" at YES this week?


Michael Kay lets us know that the Yankees stunk last night, and that it was mainly Alex Rodriguez's fault...A-Rod struck out twice and grounded into two double plays with runners in scoring position...must've been another late night at Madonna's place.


7:01: Our starters for tonight? Paul Byrd for the Red Sox and Sidney Ponson for the Yankees. Not exactly thrill-inducing.


7:04: Michael Kay says Yankees manager Joe Girardi told him tonight was a must win game if the Yanks have any hope of catching the Red Sox for the wild-card (the Yankees came into the game six games back). Only on a network owned by George Steinbrenner could there be that kind of optimism. Every Yankee fan I know has already given up on this team.


7:08: Batting leadoff for the Red Sox, young Jacoby Ellsbury, who single-handedly killed one of my fantasy baseball teams this season. I say one of them, because I have six fantasy baseball teams this year. Yep, SIX. I have a problem...


7:10: Ellsbury flies out, followed by the pride of Woodland High School, Dustin Pedroia, singling to left. Pedroia is easily the best guy out of the Sacramento area to make it to the pros in 20 years...


7:12: Uh oh, the boo birds are already out at Yankee Stadium. Big Papi just laced a double to right...second and third with one out and Yankee fans are ALREADY shitting on Ponson's performance, which might break the record for the quickest give-up on a starting pitcher.


7:16: Well, Yankee fans really aren't going to like this. Ponson gets Youkilis to strike out, but Mr. Canada Jason Bay laces a liner to left that bounces off Xavier Nady's glove...2-zip Red Sox. Let the booing ensue!!!


7:20: Jed Lowrie walks, leading to a visit from Yankees pitching coach Dave Eiland, six batters in. What's Eiland going to say? "Hey fat boy? How about getting some of these $^@$^ out??!" At least that's what I hope he's saying.


7:22: Varitek singles to right, but the Red Sox make a baserunning blunder by running on Bobby Abreu, who guns down Bay at home. Yankees are lucky to be out of that inning.


7:25: Michael Kay tells us that Sox starter Paul Byrd (whose name came up in the Mitchell Report earlier this year) started the season 3 and 10 with Cleveland, but has gone 5-and-1 in the 2nd half, and was traded to Boston a few weeks back. That HGH shipment must have finally arrived.


7:27: Johnny Damon strikes out looking, and then whines to the home plate ump about the call. Reason number 743 to hate the Yankees: their constant whining when things don't go their way. Remember to look for my book "6,732 Reasons to Hate the Yankees" coming out this fall!!


7:31: Jeter lines out, and Abreu walks, bringing up A-Rod, who comes to the plate as "This Is Why I'm Hot" by Mims plays over the loudspeakers...I don't even have a joke here...


Actually I do. If the other teams in the league had any balls, they would absolutely play "Like A Virgin" every time A-Rod came up to bat...I think he'd snap by like the sixth time.


7:33: A-Rod doubles to left, bringing home Abreu to cut the lead to one (of course he does...no pressure in the game at this point.) This is followed by Jason Giambi (still rockin' the 70s' porn moustache) striking out...


7:40: For those who don't know, Yankees starter Sidney Ponson is from Aruba and was actually knighted by Queen Beatrix of the Netherland in 2003. He celebrated that honor by assaulting an Aruban judge in 2004 over misuse of his powerboat and spent 11 days in jail. Read that last paragraph again. Meanwhile, the Red Sox go down in order in the 2nd. Followed by the Yankees doing the same in their half of the 2nd.


7:58: The Red Sox go quietly in the 3rd, followed by yet ANOTHER version of the Chevy ad with that mind-numbing John Mellencamp song. I'm sorry...could somebody remind me...whose country is this?


"This is ouuurrrrr country!!!"


Got it...thanks.


8:02: Jack Nicholson in the house!! He's behind home plate. Michael Kay bets that Jack's never had a regret in his life. I don't know.."Mars Attacks" might be a regret.


8:10: Tonight's NYS Smokers' Quitline Quiz question: Who is the Red Sox all-time RBI leader at games at Yankee Stadium? I'm guessing its Ted Williams. We'll find out later. I'm usually great at these....


8:14: The announcers discuss Sox catcher Jason Varitek and his impending free agency. The 36-year-old Varitek reportedly wants a 4-year deal, even though he's hitting .226 and is basically "Dead Man Walking" But he's the "captain" of the Red Sox, including the team putting a ridiculous "C" on his uniform, likes he's a hockey player or something. Meanwhile, Flaherty says Varitek is important because he's "great in the clubhouse." What does that mean? Does he walk around telling jokes and handing out mix tapes to his teammates? When Big Papi's in a depressed mood does he do an "Anchorman" impression to cheer him up? I need to know these things. Anyways, right now he flies out to center.


8:18: And the trivia answer is?? TED WILLIAMS!!! I swear, if they ever bring back that sports trivia show on ESPN, I'm FORCING them to put me on it. I need to put this useless information to work!!


8:28: Here come the Yankees. Cano singles in A-Rod and we're tied at two. Its amazing, every time Michael Kay gets excited and gets his voice rising, Cooper sniffs his butt...I don't know what to do with this information. We're tied at 2 headed to the fifth.


8:36: Pedroia executes a perfect hit-and-run, bashing it through the right side as Ellsbury dashes to third. You have to love Pedroia, even if his beard is worse than mine...when I grow a beard, its red while my hair is blonde...it looks like I should be on display at Ripley's...meanwhile, the Sox just loaded the bases for Youkilis....big moment for this game...


8:40: The Arubian Knight walks Youkilis to force in a run. 3-2 Sox. And the live mic outside the announcers booth just picked up the first New York accented "Fuck!" Then Bay hit a sac fly to right, and that's all for Ponson...lets hope he doesn't punch out any Aruban officials tonight...


8:47: Enwar Ramirez is on to pitch for the Yankees and HOLY GOD does this kid look young. This guy doesn't have a pitch count, he's got a curfew. Anyways, he gets Jed Lowrie to ground out to end the inning.


9:02: Kay and Leiter talk about how important the Yankees bullpen is going to be over the next few weeks, especially one days when the starters can't get into the 6th inning. This is a bullpen that features Enwar Ramirez, Chris Britton, and Brian Bruney. Good luck with that, Yankee fans!


9:05: Just saw a preview for Lakeview Terrace. Sam Jackson should just take that Chappelle imitation of him full circle and actually endorse Samuel Jackson Beer...."IT'LL GETCHA DRUNK!! YOU'LL BE $@&%'IN FAT GIRLS IN NO TIME!! MMMM...BITCH!!"


9:13: The Yankees batters seem baffled by Paul Byrd's old-timey windup....they go quietly again in the 6th....but hey, want do you want for a 210-million-dollar payroll? Runs? Timely hitting??


9:17: Enwar Ramirez's mother comes to the mound to get him home before he breaks curfew. In comes Damaso Marte for the Yankees...another desperation pick up by the Yanks at the trading deadline as they try any which way to make the postseason...which isn't happening...


9:24: Seventh inning stretch time, which means everybody at the stadium has to stand and offer a moment of silence for the troops, and then listen to Kate Smith sing "God Bless America." Folks, 9/11 was 7 years ago....we really need to be doing this every night??? Still?? Really?? And of course, since we're on the Yankees network, we're gonna see this live...but that's the fun part, when they show the close up of the Yankees with their caps over their hearts, but you know in their head they're thinking things like "I hope the post-game spread has teriyaki chicken" and "I wonder how many hot chicks I'll be able to pick up at Butter tonight?"


9:27: "The dream is still alive....some day it will come true...and this country it belongs, to folks like me and you....so let the voice of FREEDOM...sing out through this land....this is ouuuuuuuurrr country."


Its gotten to the point where I look forward to belting out the lyrics in my living room now. Congratulations Chevy. You've beaten me down completely. And you've actually created an ad campaign that causes Stockholm Syndrome. This is ouuuuuurrr country.


9:30: Uh oh, Michael Kay is calling out Yankees manager Joe Girardi for saying the Yanks "HAD TO TAKE TWO OUT OF THREE" of these Red Sox games. So much for happy times later tonight on the Joe Girardi Show (which, amazingly, is broadcast on the YES Network). Girardi might punch Kay in the face....which would be a huge improvement...meanwhile, the Yankees go down in order in the 7th...still 4-2 Sox heading to the 8th.


9:41: Here's where it comes apart for the Yanks. Youkilis gets an infield single off of A-Rod's glove, then Bay hits a screamer to right-center that Abreu misses and it bounces over the head of Damon, sending Bay all the way to 3rd....one more run for the Red Sox, and this game is OVAH!!


9:50: And there it is...sac fly from Alex Cora scores Bay. 6-2 Boston. This seems to be a good time to take Cooper on a potty break, considering he's staring me down with a look that says "if you don't take me out soon, I'm going to redecorate this carpet"....we'll be back for the bottom of the ninth.


9:57: We're back just in time to see Woodland High's Dustin Pedroia belt a grand-slam to make it 11-to-2 Boston. And now we get shots of the Yankees fans making the "Sad Panda" face....Yankee fans heading to the exits in droves...sorry Yankee fans...your post-season dreams died tonight....wait, I'm not sorry...F-the Yankees!!!


Well it turned out to be anti-climatic...but again, what do you expect with a 210-million-dollar payroll?? God I love it when the Yankees lose....

Mike